This is an article I wrote for a satirical newspaper in my University. I wrote it primarily for my own entertainment instead of studying for exams and only discovered after I had finished that the paper does not take unsolicited articles like I had assumed. More's the pity.
We are all aware of the denaming of what was once known as the ‘Berkley Library,’ which was recently denamed due to the fact that it’s namesake owned slaves. However, I believe that there is a much greater injustice living right under our noses, the injustice of course being the currently named ‘GMB’ building. To those who are too ignorant to immediately understand why the GMB MUST be denamed, allow me to explain why, for once I spell out this matter of utmost importance, you will never see the past of our college the same way.
Let me begin by answering the question I’m sure many of the less knowledgable among us are asking themselves ‘What does “GMB” even stand for?’ Before I answer this question I would just like to put out a warning for for the more squeamish among you, you can skip this article if you prefer your state of blissful ignorance, for the full name of the ‘GMB building’ is the ‘Good Morning Britain building.’ ‘GOOD MORNING BRITAIN BUILDING?!?’ I can hear those fortunate enough to not have known of this unfortunate name shouting to themselves, ‘THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!’ I’m sure it is instinct to many of you as to why this name must be changed immediately, but for the sceptics and hyper-rational among you, allow me to drive my point home by exposing GMB (as I will now refer to it, as to not offend the eyes of the reader along with the hands of myself) for what it truly is.
The first obvious issue with this horrendous name is of course the blatant anglophilia, a crime punishable by death in the homelands of many of our culchie students. I mean seriously, what sort of an IRISH college, 7532 years after creation, around 4000 years after the deluge, and 102 years after the free state gave us freedom from Britain, would ever choose to venerate such a repugnantly British programme. This is especially embarrassing considering the history and legacy of Trinity College, which is of course famous for being a hotbed of Irish Republicanism, with great Republicans such as Wolfe Tone (whom I imagine to be in a state of permanent grave-rolling at this injustice), Trinity College has always stood up for the Irish cause, and it is a great betrayal to have a building of such importance named after this institution of our subjugation. As if the anglophilia weren't bad enough on its own, just wait until you learn about the evils of the show itself.
Horrific, woeful, shameful, unbearable, unGodly, subversive, dystopic, yakubian, inane, pointless, cringe, bri’ish, bru’ish, hellish, woke, fascist, inexplicable, vomit-inducing, tasteless, degenerate, ignorant, mob, rabble, pitiful, nonsensical, criminal, ugly, disgusting, neo-liberal, capitalist, woke, repressive, suffocating, regressive, deductive, subterranean, communist, ableist, treacherous, insufferable, hitlerian, misanthropic, impure, hateful - all words that do not even begin to describe the travesty I forced myself to watch in research for this hit-piece (the things the noble journalist does for the recognition he deserves etc. etc.). A show of nothing, for no one, with no worth. The show serves as a stark reminder as to just how much our society has declined since 2012 - perhaps the Mayans were on to something.
All this disgust I felt watching a segment of that horrific show (I can no longer even bring myself to type the wicked abbreviation) was compounded by the fact that Trinity College Dublin, the 2nd most prestigious college on this island (and indeed in Ireland as a whole) has chosen to celebrate it. The worst sin of all is that by choosing such a name the College has destroyed and betrayed itself for nothing. It is known that one will sooner will nothingness than not will at all, but such an action by Trinity truly shows just how spiritually bankrupt the College has become - I would prefer they didn’t will at all. I should have gone to DKIT.